Where to begin with this one?  Ah yes, of course.  At the end.  The end of a very sharp nail cutter.  The kind used the world over to trim a man’s nails down to the perfect few millimeters of white that they should never exceed.

‘Is that all?’ you ask.

Not even close.  Because just today, I was on — you guessed it — the tube, wondering if the couple in front of me imagined other people when they were having sex with each other or if there was something going on there that I couldn’t begin to imagine (they were a very mismatched couple).  And while I’m staring at this couple, minding their own business, the hand next to mine shifts position and grazes my hand with artery-slashing nails.  I want to kill this woman who has so carelessly maimed me, when I notice it’s not a woman at all.  The offending hands are attached to an M-A-N.

OK.  So maybe I made that up.  But does it really matter?  We all know, have seen, may have even been that guy.  The one who grows his nails just short of talons in some unfathomable assertion of individuality or style.  Honestly, boys, what are you thinking?  And who the hell grows out just a long pinky nail anymore?  Last I checked even the drug lords and Snoop Dogg had cut theirs.

In case you need some help or encouragement, here’s an easy step-by-step guide to bringing those hands back to a state fit to touch other human beings:

Step 1: Inhale

Step 2: Compress nail cutter across finger nail, leaving behind just enough white to scratch your head with.

Step 3: Repeat Step 2 on all remaining nails.

Step 4: Reclaim your worth as a man.